Odyssea Nunquam Abstitit:
(Dreams)
When the blue jacaranda mocked the sky
Sleep bound is she, the drowsy brilliance
below the whispering branch.
Her Caño Cristales hair,
strewn amongst wild blue and green;
Though her eyes
tell of time waiting,
when the wind was lonesome and
slaughtering butterflies in its chill.
They turned, almost at once
Eyes gray, yet dancing with the frenzied
glory of cosmos.
Striking out at her wanderer, like a warm
crash of wave.
She understood, "Your laurel leaves speak of death
but I still need you."
And he wept, "Your garland
speaks of the flowers, streams
and the meadows which is our home."
(She answers)
"Here, is where I still love you
this place, where arms renounce arms
with care, warmth and adoration."
(He dreams)
"My arms tangle in shadows, and
my mind only imagines; night falls
on my face within the whirlpool;
Your spark is the farthest from me; distraught
and left desolate, in Ithaca."
(She holds all his hopes)
"Kalypso; she cannot keep you. Our fire was kindled
in the glorious Springtime, and stays in all the places in
which we played. Where in, you loved me and I you.
The flames stay, waiting, in the marital bed that you made."
Once more, awake from the immense murk,
The depths they spake in choirs, from a mouth that
smiles in the water, "Vast tracts of your life, I will drown
them before you, Like Agamemnon at the nave of Klytemnestra.
I will, make a myth of you."
(He continues the journey, within himself)
No smoking altar, nor long dead God.
Will extinguish the blaze that we made.
In the springtime, by the jacaranda.
No myth, from man shall mean
more than when I placed the garland atop your
silken curls. You stretched alongside me, arms reaching
out towards the warmth of sun.
You spoke the words that set me forth;
They find me in all endeavors,
Throughout all trial,
Throughout all disaster.
Those words
That you spoke, like the climbing lark
never waning, even in the face of Gia's
center.
You followed up the noon,
with a smile, and you said
to me.
"For as long as I remain; my love.
I shall be the solid earth, at your
journey's end.
Our embraces will be like the
drowning man,
who reached the love of land."
I don't usually critique poetry because I typically write prose myself, but I thought I'd give it a try if you'll bear with me.
I really love the Odyssey, and I think you do great justice to it in this interpretation. All of your images are gorgeous and well-placed, and the overall rhythm of the piece adds up to a kind of melancholy that I think is appropriate (I read this as Odysseus speaking to Penelope in his mind even though they're separated because of course he's been wandering around/at war for twenty years, but correct me if I'm wrong).
I think the one thing that I would pay attention to in the revision is your verb tense. For example, in the first stanza, the first line is in the past tense with "mocked," but then in the next line, you say, "Sleep bound is she," suggesting the present tense. Then in the second stanza, the second line uses "strewn," but the fourth line uses "tell." Basically, I got confused about where in time I am -- is Penelope still waiting for Odysseus to come home, or is she recalling the past, while she's actually situated in the present and he is home?
Other than those sorts of issues, I found this poem very beautiful, and it was a joy to read.
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